"Live by faith not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7
Recently God has thrown me into this whirlwind called life. Yes, He has hit me with various choices and decisions. To travel, to question, to graciously accept, to wonder, to pray and to hope. This idea that my faith outweighs my sight keeps throwing itself at me. The idea that faith is bigger than any sort of belief I have in the system, the person or the dream. And it's coming at me 90 mph.
Often, I feel like a batter without a bat. I stand there waiting for something to hit me, but don't know where to bat. I don't know, because I don't have a bat in my hand. I'm not prepared. The pitcher throws and I turn my back in defense of my "most important parts." ;) Why is this? Why do I turn? Fear? Not feeling equipped? Desperation? Misunderstanding?
All the while, God is watching me and screaming at me to trust Him in the midst of craziness as I hope that life really is beautiful and wonderful. I remember last year when I was in Africa, I couldn't understand why God would allow a man to die on a motorcycle in front of our vehicle. It was awful. Devastating. The moment was frightening, cold and graphic. I remember feeling extreme sadness correlated with questioning. This man probably had a wife, kids, chickens and maybe even a business. I remember feeling a shock of fear and butterflies in my stomach for a couple days. Not the good kind. The kind you get when you can't eat. The kind you feel when you're nervous about something. I wouldn't go out and ride for a couple days cause I couldn't see a bike or waterworks exploded!
Then, a miracle happened. I took a hike with a few friends up to a mountaintop. We got lost for a while and I wanted to turn back. We had one radio, a few snacks, and a lot of faith. After a few hours of arguing and debating about how to make it up through swampy grass and scary rivers, we finally summited. The top was beautiful. A place of gorgeous scenery and rolling hills. We looked down at our home and the villages below. Everything was lovely.
In that moment I realized again how faithful God is to heal and accept us for who we are today. Not who we are tomorrow. (Although He will do that too)... He loves us today. He meets our darkness and loves us. He knows we are His and no one else's. He comforts us and holds us. All the while knowing that we are suffering. He wants us to trust Him. No Matter What. To rest. No exceptions. No what ifs, no questions. Just to trust. It's easy. We always want to make it difficult.
So, as I sit and have doubt, even now about the future... I remember how faithful God is.
To give us peace and to give us joy.
Then, my dog comes to me and asks for a hug. He trusts me. To love him, to feed him and to hold him. So I pick up my bat and trust again. I feel warmth from God, and I know it's time to run.
"We live by faith not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7